'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
