you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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