I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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