that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
