I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
