You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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