my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
