If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
