college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
