god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
