he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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