one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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