Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
