Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
