if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
