Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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