it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
