I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize