at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
