Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
