i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We're too hungover to prance.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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