I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
