Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
