The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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