ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
