Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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