This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
