Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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