omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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