If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
