the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize