all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
