My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
