He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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