Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
