You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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