I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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