whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
