Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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