i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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