can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize