yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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