Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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