Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
