You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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