Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
