i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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