This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
