The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize