Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
