if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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