I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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