Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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