His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
