Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
