Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
