ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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